I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
