i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
