your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
