If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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