I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
