you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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