im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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