last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
