I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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