Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
