I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
