how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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