Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
