I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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