My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
