Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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