That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
