I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
