Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
