I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
