I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
