Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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