so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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