Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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