i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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