i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
