I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
