I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Green mimosas i think yes
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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