I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i love accidental penises.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
