if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
