Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
