I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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