apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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