I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
