I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
