youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
