Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No I am not eating basil off your cock
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
