just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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