Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
