My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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