I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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