Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
