is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
