how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
