The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
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The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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