i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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