I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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