Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
