barbara walters just said penis...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Of course I have a pirate flag
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
