i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
