I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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