the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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